4b. Feeling & Emotion: The Difference
KNOWING THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FEELING & EMOTION
One way to begin to understand the difference between what is real inside us, and what constitutes a passing emotional cloud, is to make the distinction between emotions and feelings.
The Oxford American Dictionary differentiates feeling and emotion by saying:
“A feeling can be almost any subjective reaction or state—pleasant or unpleasant, strong or mild, positive or negative—that is characterized by an emotional response (: a feeling of insecurity; | a feeling of pleasure). An emotion is a very intense feeling, which often involves a physical as well as a mental response and implies outward expression or agitation (: to be overcome with emotion).”
The average man knows this difference on a gut reaction level, because these two seemingly similar aspects of a woman’s psyche evoke completely opposite responses in him. In a nut shell, emotions make him want to withdraw and feelings inspire him to come closer. It is the difference between wanting to run and hide from a heavy storm, and seeing the beauty of a raindrop on a flower after a light summer shower. A drop of rain on a flower magnifies its beauty to the beholder, a storm has the potential of destroying that beauty entirely, with days, weeks and even months needed to see its return.
A woman’s feeling is an inner state of being that can create that vital sense of connection for a man, but only if you allow vulnerability. If you invite him in and let him see who you really are, faults and all, he will begin to feel closer to you and with that closeness, he can more easily connect to his own feelings. This is a gentler state of being. The more you are there and open to sharing, the more he will feel safe to share himself in return.
Emotion is the storm. As Oxford says, it is characterized by “outward expression or agitation.” It is the display of emotion that pushes men away. It is not an invitation to come in, it is a wall of protection that tells him to stay away! And we feel it too. A storm of emotions can close our hearts, shut us down, and the pain can be intense, both physically and mentally. The longer we stay closed the more painful the emotion becomes. We mistakenly assume that if we open up and become vulnerable again, we will only be hurt more, but the opposite is true. It is only by opening our hearts again, that healing can begin. Emotions constrict us. Feelings expand us.
The difference between the two is even inherent in our everyday speech. When someone says he or she is a “feeling person,” it means they care… it implies that they are soft and empathetic to others. When someone says he or she is “emotional,” it usually means, Beware! Tread lightly! Don’t say anything to upset them… you never know what their reaction will be. This is not a safe place. It might be an exciting place for a limited time, like cliff diving, but it will never be safe.
And yes, some men like a fiery woman, with her emotional storms creating drama and distance, (perhaps because they feel safer with drama and distance than they do with love and intimacy) but most men who choose to be in a committed relationship crave closeness and connection. There are many contributing factors to a man’s preference, like childhood, what their mother was like, their early adolescent relationships and their current level of maturity, but in order to feel it is safe, the average man needs to feel that a woman is not going to blow him out of the state with her emotional storms. Is it safe to get closer, safe to be in a relationship with this woman? Are her emotions going to be too much for me to handle? Will I be on a perpetual roller coaster ride? Will I constantly be trying to find out what’s wrong? The answer to these questions can determine the difference between a long-term and short-term relationship.
The emotion storm is what comes if we resist fully feeling our feelings. It is what comes from not communicating our feelings. It is what comes from stuffing our feelings down inside us, to the point where it takes a volcanic eruption to get them out. If we could allow vulnerability in the moment, speak up about how we feel without blaming them for how we feel (I am going to sound like a broken record on the whole not blaming thing), then we would never get to the storm and we would feel our man drawing closer rather than drawing away.
I might also mention that knowing this difference helps us understand the “non-emotional” man. Some of us are in relationships with men who don’t show emotion. Women who do not know the difference between Feelings and Emotion tend to assume that non-emotional equals non-feeling. Nothing could be further from the truth. Men who do not display emotions feel things very deeply. They keep their feelings safely locked inside and only reveal them in the most intimate, loving and secure relationships. If you are trying to constantly pry open a man and get him to express his feelings, he will resist (a natural response) and intimacy will suffer.
This kind of deep sharing and intimacy takes time. Don’t push it. Ever. The instant you do, you will only be adding days, months, even years to his time line. Be open. Listen. If he doesn’t say anything, listen to his silence. A lot can be said in silence. Remain receptive. And while in this silence, develop an open mind & heart and unconditional acceptance. When he’s ready, when he knows and can feel that no matter what he says, he will be accepted, he will share his feelings.
read on…#4c The Tonic of Honesty
Also take a peek at the TAKE-HOME-TECHNIQUE for this entry: #4d! It’s about: Words That Blame vs. Words That Take Responsibility.
relationshiprecipes.wordpress.com 